I've struggled with varying degrees of anxiety my whole life. After I gave birth to Charlie, my anxiety was on a whole new level. I was literally afraid of the most absurd things, like him (as a NEWBORN) somehow crawling out of our house and into the street and getting hit by a car. My thoughts were all-consuming. It was draining me mentally and I didn't even realize it. I kept forging on because I had SO desperately wanted to be a Mom that I didn't want to seem ungrateful or like I couldn't handle it. I wanted to be a "perfect" Mom and an anxious Mom seemed....messy? I sought a few sessions of therapy but honestly couldn't make it work with a full-time work schedule. I dropped out of therapy and told myself it was "all good".
Fast forward to when Charlie was 11 months old; The happy and joyous surprise of finding out we were pregnant with Maddie outweighed any of the stress of being a working, nursing, pregnant and insanely-sick Mom to an infant. It was alllllllllll a blur as it was probably survival mode at that point. The prospect of our new family member was enough excitement to make everything seem more positive than not.
Madeline's birth brought on a whole NEW level of anxiety. It was crippling. Again I just kind of hid inside myself as a busy, working, nursing Mom of TWO UNDER TWO and just made it work. Honestly y'all....I cried every single day. I was the shell of my former self. I didn't realize how bad it got until over a year (!) later when I had stopped nursing. Maybe it was the shift of hormones from weaning, but I was literally unable to function.
I dropped off my kids at the sitter's house one gorgeous Fall day a year ago almost to the day and literally didn't know if I could do it one. more. second. I started driving in the direction opposite of where I should have been going and could not pull it together enough to go to work. I was crying, shaking, and completely unable to function. I was wearing a dirty, old, college sweatshirt and hiking pants (to go to work, mind you) and my heart was racing. I knew this was bad. I was feeling disoriented and knew if I went to work I'd probably get fired. I texted my husband at work who told me to go to the hospital immediately. My anxiety, which was now running out of control like a train off the tracks, spiked over the medical bills that would result from going to the ER. I told him I'd go to our family doctor instead. At this point, I was just focused on GETTING THERE. I was shaking, crying so hard I could barely see, was struggling to figure out how to get from Point A to Point B, and was worried they couldn't squeeze me in for an appointment.
I called the doctor's office while I was driving (which in retrospect was probably such a bad idea) and they could probably sense how bad it was because they told me to come right over and I'd be seen right away. I walked in dirty, sobbing, and completely unable to do life for another minute. The irony of that is that my kids were perfectly dressed, my husband had a healthy homemade lunch that day, and my house was immaculate. But it all didn't matter. I had completely fallen apart.
The sweet female doctor who saw me embraced me in the biggest hug and told me IT WOULD GET BETTER. I am so grateful she walked into that room. She sat and talked with me for over an hour and prescribed me some medication to help with the anxiety. I had been so resistant to taking anything, but at this point I just needed something....anything..... that would help. She promised me I would feel better by a certain date that she gave me and really made me feel like I was not a failure. It definitely helped that she herself was a working mom and she offered me some wisdom from another Mom who had been there/done that. I felt heard, understood, and the biggest wave of relief that this feeling would not be forever. She followed up with me so consistently in a way I had never experienced with a medical professional before. Knowing help was there was such a huge part of it all.
Life slowly got better. Slowly. There were bumps in the road for sure but I kept seeing that doctor and a therapist, as well. I gave myself grace in ways that I had not before. I joined a gym, which (for me) was a HUGE component to finding mental wellness again. I later started this here blog, which has been such a positive, fun outlet for me. I've learned to take more time for myself and that doing so does NOT make me a bad Mom.
I have seen so many friends posting on social media about anxiety and mental health awareness as a whole lately. Guys, we are all in this together. Anxiety can completely steal your joy and trick you into believing you are failing. I would not have truly understood the degree to which that can happen had I not experienced it myself.
I am blessed to have a support system that includes a loving husband, amazing friends, and supportive family that help carry me through the rough days and access help as needed. Not everyone may have that but there is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS help available. ALWAYS. You don't have to live like that. I wish I had known that sooner when I think about how much time during my babies' first years I spent in an anxious fog.
I didn't truly realize how bad it had gotten until I was 'out of the woods'. All of the sudden, I was "me" again. I had interests, I had passion, and I had a desire to wake up and meet each day, not just for my kids, but for myself. It was truly the difference between night and day. I still have anxiety, particularly over getting sucked into that scary, helpless place again, but this time I know what i need to do.
So y'all....if you can't relate to this at all, don't have anxiety, don't have kids, whatever....I beg of you to just take away ONE thing. What you see, especially on social media, is the smallest snippet of reality. My kids were dressed to the nines and I was unable to get dressed and shower myself. Please be kind to one another, show one another some grace, and if you know a new Mom, maybe throw her a little extra sunshine every once in a while. The people that did that for me literally saved my life during that time.
Anyone reading this can email me, text me, whatever- morning/noon/night. I am here for you. We are all in this together.
Love y'all ❤
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